After Madurai

 

Final farewell from the wonderful teachers at Lady Doak

                      

 

               A lot of people have asked me since I left India what I would be doing next - an understandable question.  You can't really just go back and sit at home after going through two years of fending on your own through the many obstacles India can dish out.  And trust me there are a great many of them. 

               So far I've stayed very evasive and non-committal in my responses and to those to whom I've given those answers I apologize although it hasn't been due to a lack of knowing.  Ironically I am spending most of my time back home, not doing much except spending time with my parents and freezing my butt off in surprisingly cool Texas weather.  But there is of course an underlying reason for my being back in Fort Worth.

               I've gone back and forth on how and when to tell friends and which friends I should tell.  While doing this on a blog seems like a harsh thing to do I've never been good about discussing more personal issues and despite how much I've grown recently that still hasn't changed.  Especially when it concerns my health.

               The reason I'm back at home is because during the next year I'll be removing my birthmark which as most people know is on the left side of my forehead.  More correctly it's actually known as a Venous malformation or in much simpler terms it's like having a big mess of blood vessels on the forehead.  It's something I was born with and because of it I've been seeing doctors for almost my entire life.  In fact removing it was an idea that they've had since I was born, however according to my parents even at a young age of 5 or 6 I was adamant about keeping my birthmark.    

               I never saw my birthmark as holding me back or 'disfiguring' me in any way - as far as I was concerned having this birthmark was what is normal for me.  Maybe to someone else it seems abnormal to have a big purple spot on your face but instead of finding it to be problematic I fiercely held onto it as being entirely all my own.  It made me different from everyone else and rather than hiding it I celebrated it.  In a small way it defined who I was.  This attitude was always incomprehensible to the many doctors and surgeons who have examined me and even as I struggled with my decision at the age of 24 to remove it my surgeon has expressed his surprise that I've had it for this long. 

               It may seem strange that I've suddenly decided to get it removed after having lived with it for so long.    For close to 18 years it hadn't presented any dangers towards my health or any other concern and for me that would be the only reason I would have it removed.  However in the past few years I've started to experience more and more problems with my birthmark.  In high school I started noticing that it often felt sore like a bruise, and then while studying abroad in Japan parts of the skin started to disintegrate leaving small holes on the surface.  Thankfully I was able to see a doctor in Japan and after getting medicine they went away, but that was around the time when I realized that I had no idea what the long term effects of my birthmark would be - and neither did my doctors.  Although the doctor in Japan told me confidently that this was something that would only keep happening from then on out.

               He was right and two years later while I was in India the same problem happened.  Only this time there were more spots and the medicine wasn't working any longer.  Not only that but it no longer felt painless, there was an incredible pressure that went with it.  I couldn't bend over or do anything that made the blood rush to my head otherwise it felt like all the blood was going to come pouring out of those small holes.  It got so bad that not only could I no longer go to the gym but I couldn't even put my head down on the pillow without feeling that pressure. 

               It wasn't until then that I realized how annoying this would be if I had to keep dealing with it at all kinds of junctures in my life.  It was hard enough being somewhere like Madurai and not having any family or knowing of any doctors to see.  How was I supposed to explain this to someone who didn't understand English very well?  My Tamil was nowhere near good enough for a medical discussion. 

               This was one of the most difficult parts in my life so far - I contacted my doctor at home who told me that this would keep happening until the entire skin on the surface disintegrated leaving me with the only option of surgery.  At the same time on the urging of my parents I took a trip to Mumbai to see a doctor about getting any medicine.  That had to be one of the worst experiences I've had with doctors - I don't know what it is but most surgeons have zero talents as far as communication goes.  He didn't give me any new information that I didn't already know but did stress that this would only continue to happen.    

               It was during this time that it began to dawn on my surgery is truly the only option.  Yet even as I went to see my surgeon in Dallas I found myself still searching for any other possible options.  My surgeon didn't seem to understand, he told me that if it were his daughter or wife he would absolutely tell them to have it removed.  I think to him he expects that I'm scared about going under the knife but that's not what it is at all. 

               From such a young age I've held on to this birthmark being a part of who I am - I had to otherwise getting through childhood would have been remarkably much more difficult.  And now to think about removing it would be almost akin to giving into what society dictates - that this birthmark is imperfect and thus I'm imperfect having it.  While I have never searched for perfection I've also always fought against what other people expect or want me to do.  And removing this birthmark would be going against everything the 6 year old me fought for in all those doctor's offices.  That's what freaked me out the most.

               In the end it's something my surgeon said - as we get older all kinds of things start to go a little haywire and while they can't say anything for certain there's little evidence to prove that my birthmark would behave otherwise.  On top of that I've already had all kinds of interruptions into my life because of it and this last problem really awoke me to the idea that this could keep me from doing what I want in life.  How can I ever expect to see the base camp of Mt. Everest if I have to deal with this? 

               Thus I've decided to have the surgery which is why I find myself back at home with my family.  I'll be having the surgery in Dallas and after discussing it with my surgeon all of the procedures look to take about a year.  So to all those who have been wondering about what I'm doing after India, it seems like I'll be in Texas for at least that long getting this figured out. 

               My first surgery is already set for July 17th although it will be a simple procedure of simply putting in two balloons to stretch the skin out on either side of part of the birthmark.  This is just in preparation so they have skin ready to cover whatever they take out. 

               I apologize for how long-winded this got but because it's not something I talk about very often I felt it was only fair to be as honest as possible.  I also want to apologize to a lot of my friends whom I haven't seen since leaving for India.  As much as I would absolutely LOVE to see all of you I'm not sure how likely it will be until this is all over.  I'm not sure what my schedule will be like for the duration of this year and because I'm not going to be able to work while this is happening I don't think I'll have the funds to make cross-country travel.  But believe me when I saw I would like nothing more than to be able to visit all of you and catch up. 

               I can't wait to see you all and I am probably going to look a lot different the next time we meet.  I also hope this has answered some questions for other people  and while I'm nervous about figuring out what I'll do after this year I'm not as worried as I might have been before India.